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Need we bother with an introduction? The title says it all! Grab yourself some old-school lady porn (extra points for a remaindered library paperback, and don’t think too hard about why some pages are blurrier than others), pour a glass of your favorite poison, and start reading!

nicholas-burgess-bodice-ripper

Oh, and while you’re reading, drink when…

…the first sentence describes the weather.

…we get a character’s entire “catalog” (skin, hair, face, eyes, and body descriptions) in his/her first paragraph.

…five minutes of basic communication would solve the entire problem the plot hinges on.

…the love interests go shopping together (twice if he’s paying for everything).

…a single item of clothing gets more than a paragraph of description (twice if it’s promptly torn off in the heat of passion)

…”throbbing member” or “heaving bosom.” Exact phrases only.

…impossible eye color (purple, gray, etc. — twice if they “shift with his/her mood”).

…she dances with someone else and it immediately causes problems.

…she’s a virgin her first time with him (twice if it goes perfectly — and three times if there’s a perfect, tiny bloodstain afterward).

…she refuses to marry him.

…he threatens to or appears committed to marry someone else (twice if it’s her sister).

…there’s a meddlesome old matchmaker.

…the sex was, by any reasonable definition of the word, rape.

…there are horses (twice if she’s a better rider than him).

…she shows off her perfect domestic skills.

…mutual climaxes, every time.

…people sneak around at night.

…someone walks in and she has to pretend she’s just sitting in his lap and cuddling while his dick is inside her.

…someone gets left at the altar (literally in his/her wedding outfit and in front of an audience when the whole thing falls apart).

…two people are having sex while a third person is hiding in the same room.

…he just straight-up spanks her to settle some minor quarrel, but it’s all right because she secretly likes it.

…clothing comes off way, way, way more easily than it possibly could in real life (twice if it’s torn or otherwise destroyed with bare hands).

…the heroine never makes a single female friend in the entire book.

…his perfect teeth get a specific mention in the text.

…he arranges to have someone dependent on her (a little sister, aging mother, bastard child, etc.) taken care of for life.

…a lost or destroyed letter alters the entire plot.

…she demands an apology for something shitty he did, but then breaks down and ends up forgiving him instead when he sulks (or vice versa).

…parents appear to be totally sexless, even though they clearly had kids at some point.

…characters indulge in unprotected sex without any acknowledgement, in their dialogue or the narration, of any risks.

…she never seems to menstruate (hey, maybe that’s why they never worry about contraception).

…the book ends within one chapter of the wedding (twice if it’s an “X Years Later…” epilogue with kids).

And hey, for that matter, just drink when the damn thing ends. You’ve earned it! Of course, you may also be thoroughly sloshed right now, and probably horny if the book was any good.

You can thank me later.